WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOUR WORLD FALLS APART?
Anyone that knows me even a little bit will know that i'm obsessed with music. I've been playing guitar, piano, drums, and a number of other things during the past 5 years, inspired when I first saw the music video for Dragonforce's "Through the Fire and Flames" (cheesy as all get out, I know, but true!). My music library is home to over 50,000 songs of ALL kinds. And I mean all kinds. Those people that say they listen to everything would be quite challenged to take a dive into a shuffle playlist that I conjure up when i'm in a curious mood, and for good reason, because I like all kinds of music; diversity in creation is something God bestowed upon us as artifacts of His image, and I thoroughly enjoy basking in that resulting reservoir.
For about a year now, i've been writing reviews for a website called Review Rinse Repeat, which has been a great experience, and while I often get trolls like mad, I express my opinions in the most unapologetic manner because I derive joy from expressing myself in the clearest and most earnest way possible. Which leads to my predicament...
Every now and then, for the past two years mainly, i've been writing little diddies which could be mistaken for songs. I write them for any number of reasons. Some i've written to help get me through hard times. Some songs are the result of putting music to lyrics that a friend or acquaintance wrote. Mostly, though, to express myself, just like in the reviews. But as I have acquired more and more recording equipment, a behemoth of a motive has risen up from within me. It's taken me a while to pin it down, and I think it's several things manifesting themselves, but the forefront is one thing: pride. I've told several people that i've never written a song that I was proud of. Not one. Now, that's plenty enough to get one in a discouraged funk, but there's a lot more to it.
It isn't really that i'm jealous and envious of other song-writers who write moving and compelling pieces, though that happens from time to time. It's more that I am very hard on myself, perhaps. And yet, amidst the murk that is my horribly harsh judgment, I realize a grim truth: I can't write good songs. What goes into defining a 'good song' is impossibly difficult, and I won't go into that now, but the fact remains: I lack the ability. I've been trying, for years, to force something out of me that isn't there, and I end up getting frustrated and burnt out because of it. Focus and determination are things that really are foreign to me, but 2 years is enough time to realize that i'm not waiting for a Thomas Edison moment, i'm waiting for a Don Quixote moment. And it's come at last.
Beyond the other reasons that have arisen (the world has plenty enough songs, and no one will like my music anyway, ad nauseum), the realization that I can't write music just shattered my spirit. Writing music was what I had always wanted to do, and now realizing that that dream has to be put to rest is proving hard to cope with. I had thousands of dollars of equipment, plenty of instruments, and time on my hands, but the results never came. This is truly one of the most jarring, depressing, and surreal realization to have struck me in my life.
SO....WHAT DO YOU DO WHEN YOUR WORLD FALLS APART?
"And I saw that all toil and all achievement spring from one person’s envy of another. This too is meaningless, a chasing after the wind. Fools fold their hands and ruin themselves. Better one handful with tranquillity than two handfuls with toil and chasing after the wind" - Ecclesiastes 4:4-7
There's a new void in my life, one that i've never really had to face. The proverbial chapter in my life of false aspiration is closing, and I must come to grips with doing something useful and productive with my time, one that ends not in toil and chasing after the wind. It will be hard, and difficult, and truly, truly I am demonstrating a great deal of melodramatic valor, but embellished as it is, there is truth in this post - I am putting off making and playing music for an indefinite amount of time. Until a new revelation falls upon me, I will continue writing reviews and enjoying others' musical endeavors and songs, for that really has been my handful of tranquility.
5 comments:
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I think even if you don't write lyrics to your songs, when you are as talented and have invested as much into it as you have, people recognize the pure beauty of even an instrumental song. for real, your music has blessed me in awesome ways and trying to record together was buckets of fun.
i only hope we can do it again. :)
maybe doing a completely different genre of music would be a refreshing change. just a stab in the dark. i dont know.
what i do know is that God has blessed you with an amazing amount of talent. promisee. :)
: "when the storm is raging all around me, You are the peace that calms my troubled sea."
Hey this is Nick Karbach from GCC (Scarback). I believe that your musical talent is well above average, but I will defer to you as the chief authority on that matter. But it is obvious to me that you have something else that is more important that talent. And that is a passion for music. So to summarize, you seem to have not enough talent for songwriting but more than enough passion. Maybe this is a case of putting a square peg in a circular hole. If you truly feel that being a songwriter is not for you, then see this as an opportunity to find your real calling in music. Whenever God closes one door, he opens another one up.
Cheers mate.
I would say something encouraging about continuing to compose, but it seems like you've explored that option about as much as you can. Of the small amount of your music that I have heard (I believe it consists of one original song and one or two covers), I do believe that you have the talent to make your way into the music industry. I really enjoy listening to the stuff you have posted online. However, being good enough for other people doesn't really have anything to do with being good enough for yourself.
This brings me to my next point: regardless of whether you continue to compose music, write about it, or whatever, you will get through this. Last summer, I came to a similar point in my education that you are at now with music- I can't get into a reputable med school. I have a deep passion for chemistry, but I suck at it no matter how much I try. I failed organic chem before I even had a chance to take the midterm. This shattered every goal that I had at that time. It changed how I viewed myself as a person. If I wasn't a pre-med student, a neuroscience major and a chemistry minor, preparing for the MCAT, with a scholarship and 3.8 GPA, who was I?
One year later, after tears, sweat, and wasted tuition money, I have realized that what Nick said was completely true- when God closes one door, He opens another. I think I have finally figured out where God was steering me through all of that med-school nonsense. I've realized that my passion isn't for being a competitive pre-med student and getting into med school so I can be a successful physician; my passion is for saving lives. My passion is healing. I am still pursuing a career in health care- as an emergency care nurse. I plan on getting my master's degree in education or health care management, to try to educate future nurses and help to re-design America's health care system to benefit more patients in a safer way.
It took my failed organic chem class to show me that I was going a slightly different direction than God was calling me to. Maybe you'll find that is what's happening here.
Hi Peter,
Been wondering how to respond. Your despondency is well understood. The hardest part about being your age is that you have ten thousand desires that could all be fulfilled. You have yearnings that may or may not become completed. You clearly have a passion for music. You may not be what you want to be NOW. But NOW is not everything. It is only today. Work hard. Practice. You are still becoming. Do not shelve the now because it is not as well honed as tomorrow promises to be.
You are young, at least to me. I was thinking about Timothy. He, too, had a passion, a vision. If he had written Paul (massive creative license taken) I think this is what he might have said. After you read this, go read Paul's letters to him. Be encouraged. He who began a good work in you...
Praying for you,
Mrs. H from DCHS
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From Timothy, your dear son in the faith, to Paul, my father in the Lord,
I have thought to write you several times. But I’ve just not had the heart to do it. I don’t know how to put into words what I have been feeling. But I have to face the reality. I am not cut out for this. I am not pastor material. I don’t think I have the gifts necessary for this work. Things are a mess in Ephesus. I try to hold onto the memory of when you prayed for me. When you laid hands on me. When we believed I had a calling on my life. When I thought that I could do all things through Christ who strengthens me.
But I don’t think so anymore. I thought it would be so great. I would have ideas to help guide and lead the flock entrusted to my care. I so often think of what you would say if you were here and try to say that. But when I do it is never as effective as when you were here speaking it yourself. I am a failure of a pastor.
Several men in the church, especially Hymenaeus and Alexander, are insisting that we teach people the law. I am not sure they are clear in what they are saying, but they love to talk about the genealogies. Sometimes they even use myths as a way of teaching. No matter how I try to encourage and influence them, I am not having much success. They have an audience and I do not. Along with the false teachers, some people are leaving the faith altogether. It breaks my heart. Some of the people we have spent the most time with have started living just as if they were not a part of the church at all. I have my hands full with the women in the church. Some are quite immodest in dress. How do I tell them to change it? Some women in the church are restless, saying that if a man can lead, why can’t they lead too? And I don’t know why, but we seem to have a lot of widows in the church right now. Women who are alone with great needs. We try to take care of them all but it is hard. Some of the younger widows are running off after men and immorality is everywhere. Some of the older people say they won’t hear me just because I am so young.
They may be right. The wealthy people say they ought to be in charge because they know how to get things done. No one seems to pay much attention to the elders, much less me. To top it all off, my stomach is in knots. Just the thought of addressing the weekly gathering leaves me in a cold sweat. I am just plain tired. Clearly God must have someone else in mind to lead the church here in Ephesus.
I am writing to say I can’t do this. I am messing everything up. I’ll never be as good at pastoring a church as you are. I may as well face up to it and move on. Thank you for trying. For investing in me. For fathering me. It means a lot. But I am just not leader material.
With all my love,
Timothy
Believe it or not, music does not have to define you! You define you. God defines you.
What if all your life you thought music was the one but you were so blindly in love with music that you did not take the time to see that you could perhaps be meant to do something entirely different.
God is always full of direction. And as hard as that sounds, to know what some distant yet loving has for you, it is really simple...
Wander around...outside in the air, inside empty halls. Talk to no one. Do not listen to music. Take a break with silence. God will never leave you lacking direction, even if it is just the next ten steps. The key is to keep walking and believing.
Don't let feelings of pride and worthlessness get in the way of real potential!
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